The last few days without Chip have been some of the toughest yet. I had wagered that spending a week with my family at my parents' lakeside home in Ohio, celebrating and memorializing Chip in Delaware with family and friends over the weekend after the 40th day of his passing, and spending time with my kids at a beach get-away would make returning home easier. Boy, did I lose that bet.
It's been hard to get out of bed in the mornings since I’ve been back (I haven't made it downstairs to sit in the glow of the lamps that Chip set to go on/off on a timer once since I've been home). It's so hard to walk through the house and see what he left behind, and to know that he will never wear, touch, complain about, draw attention to or be pleased about the things around us in the life we built together. It’s been difficult to get myself to my laptop to stop my thoughts and feelings from swirling around in my head long enough to get them into a blog post or to explain them to someone who asks “How are you doing?”
So, for the past several days, I have focused on absorbing others’ thoughts and feelings that they email, text or message to me. There have been countless outreaches from others that have lifted me and brought me peace. The following are just a few examples of the words of others that have allowed me to get out of my own head and just bask in the glow of their thoughts and feelings:
I have always felt close to Chip and thought of him as a friend I could just call or see even a year later and it would be just like it was yesterday. As the years past, our lives went not away from each other but just not always convenient so to speak to get together. I remember meeting you with him at Tims farm place in Delaware. He was so exuberant and happy and I knew how much you two were in love. That made me so happy since I knew he had been thru some challenging times on a personal level prior. There is something else about Chip that was extraordinary that may just have been taken for granted. He always treated me as Kevin or my nickname he called me Kev Bud. Even when I came out being gay in my late 20's, there wasnt one hesitation to treat me any differently than just Kev Bud. That may not seem significant, but it is. It shows how pure and genuine he was with what friendship is. I know this loss is beyond words for you but it is awesome how you can put words together and make all of this just a bit easier to process. (Kevin M.)
When I told him the story of you and Chip and mentioned the video everybody had contributed to and the impact it had he smiled. He said he hears stories like Chip’s every day in his ministry. I had said that you were amazing and that it takes a very special person to do what you did for Chip. He agreed and said that God sends people to help “smooth the transition” of people who are going through things like pancreatic cancer. I mentioned that when we were making that video for Chip none of us knew the impact it would have on Chip. Neil said “but God did.” It was a beautiful observation about how God really does know what we need…. and provides. Thanks again for sharing Chip’s story. You are SUCH a blessing. God really does have you in the palm of his hand, (Bob B., referencing a conversation he had with a friend of his who is a chaplain and a hospice/grief counselor)
Your email about Chip’s passing deeply saddened me. Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. The care and love you brought to Chip’s life were so evident when talking to him —especially on your lovely weeding day. In my view, there are two kinds of people in this world —those with what I call dancing eyes and those without. Chip was definitely one of the “eye dancers.” Throughout the time I knew him, when I would picture him, his sparkly eyes were always what I saw in my mind. Even as he faced and endured his tremendous health issues, his eyes never lost his spark. I truly believe this is because he was such a good person. He was the consummate gentleman with an innate kindness and goodness — rare special qualities. ….I was so happy for Chip when you came into his life. Quite simply, he deserved someone as good, positive, and loving as you — another eye dancer. (Jo Anne B.)
As I trudge onward and upward, I will focus on the words of others (and the word of God), including those of my friend Stephanie who texted me the words “I know that each and every day is hard, Cindi. Keep climbing up and out toward the light” on Sunday (paired with the photo shown here in this post).
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